LookieItsCookie

It's an obligatory Pride Month journal and a vine reference all rolled into one!

I haven't drawn in forever because my life has been a hurricane but I'm getting slowly but surely back into the swing of things.

:bademoticon:   

Ah yes, Halloween! My favorite month. Also like, it's October or something? Whatever.

But seriously, Inktober is here and I plan on participating! There will be late days naturally, but w/e. I have like, a job and stuff.

Where to begin? Got a design job and lost it because I felt uneasy on a moral level about a design I was asked to do. Have been drawing but slowly. My second job took up most of my free days but now I don't have one, so prepare for art!

Also... may dabble in writing. Been practicing prose with some private, self-indulgent stuff that I probably won't post here because it's low-quality from a narrative standpoint. I DO, however, plan on starting a Skyrim longfic because I've wanted to for ages, and it will be posted here and maybe I'll have to get an AO3 account or something too.



Speaking of writing, I want to let everyone know that I am and have been open to RP with my canon characters, with a specific set of rules:

1. focus largely on interpersonal interactions, plot is important but secondary

2. not interested in erotic roleplay, as my boyfriend and I have agreed that it's something neither of us would be comfortable with the other doing. Minor innuendo and suggestive situations are okay if they're in-character, but I'm not looking to indulge anyone's fantasies and I will cut you off entirely if you try to be sneaky about pushing me to write something for your personal entertainment

3. open to writing fight scenes, but not super good at it so I probably won't keep interest in anything that reads more like an extended battle-royale than a story

4. Nothing that happens will become canon in my storyline, and I'm not interested in making my characters part of anyone else's canon except in highly specific circumstances (ie very close friends whom i maintain frequent contact with)

5. Ask me if you want to do something fandom-based because there are specifics regarding that one

6. Frequency isn't a huge issue because I myself tend to get drained quite often. However, it's difficult to enjoy RP with someone if they have a habit of letting weeks pass in between replies

7. Don't bother if you're more interested in interacting with yourself in front of an audience rather than interacting with a second person. 

8. Don't contact me with the intention of haggling or trying to negotiate or circumvent these requirements.

I feel like I owe everyone an explanation for the one-and-a-half years of inactivity.

2016 and 2017 both did a terrible number on me. It started in the summer of '16, when I hit a snag on my pet project. I realized that a part of it that I was very attached to for coping reasons might do the project more harm than good. I spent that entire summer and the following semester feeling entirely hopeless, calculating the damage that might occur if I didn't do revisions vs. what it would mean for me to let go of it. I started suspecting that horrible things were living inside me, questioning my value as a person. There were times when I wanted to fade from existence, and times when the only shame I felt was the sting of knowing something so minuscule and fictional had ruined me.

I was unemployed for most of '17 because I couldn't force myself to do anything that didn't stave off the despair. I was climbing out of my hole, but it was a slow process. I came to terms with the fact that my intention in creating something was meaningless if the results were something that contributed to any kind of harm. I started to identify myself by my morals first and foremost. I cut something out that had been around for years and realized that it had been exposing me to ideas that didn't do favors for how I thought of myself. In the process of unraveling those poisonous ideas, I understood more, I empathized more, I treated myself better, and through understanding myself I understood more about what I wrote and why, and what I needed to do to make this project something I could have pride in.

AAAANYWAAAAAAAYYYYYYY enough with the sad stuff, because I have some creative resolutions!

1. At least one submission a week. It's very weak compared to some of you that submit consistently and frequently (which I admire. Shine on, you crazy creators!), but it's a small start to what hopefully becomes me doing art on a constant basis again

2. Have character sheets for the "main cast" done by the end of January. I feel good enough about them to actually create a solid record now, and I need one for consistency's sake if I intend to do anything with them.

3. By the end of February, I want the first chapter of my webcomic at least planned out. I've been waiting too long to be "good enough" to draw it, and if I keep waiting until the right time, I'll never get started.

4. Make some substantial progress on a writing project at least once a week. That isn't as solid or committal as "submit one art each week," but that's because wiriting is a different process for me altogether.

And finally, I vow not to beat myself up if I don't follow through on these. That has done me so much more harm than good, and I've never really grown from self-flagellation. Maybe I really do deserve better, even in the moments where I feel that I don't.

Some more positives!

- I have a job. Not a dream job, but it's a paycheck!
- I now own some fancy illustration markers! And I'm already getting used to them!
- My friends and significant other love me and I love them and that's wonderful.